I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize