My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
