i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
