dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
