I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
