Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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