i wish semen tasted like chocolate
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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