Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
