if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Randomize
