i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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