life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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