Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
