I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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