I hate all girls vehemently.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
