I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
