My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
