I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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