im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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