Need sex. Gaining weight.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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