He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
