Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
