Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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