you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
