Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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