she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
