there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
