Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
