Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
