went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize