Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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