My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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