My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
