All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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