with your own penis?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize