I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
