we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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