i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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