she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
