dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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