His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
