i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Michael Bay diarrhea
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize