Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
