I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
