Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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