Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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