woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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