well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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