This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
