god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
