He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
