I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
