My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
