i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
