I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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