ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Its about making memories worth repressing
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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