How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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