HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
