I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize