I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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