During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
