Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
