Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
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