i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She's the barista slut.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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