I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
